I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
