after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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