my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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