I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
