I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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