Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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