May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
