mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
