i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
