ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
