sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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