I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
