I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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