this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
