her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
