You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
