M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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