i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
