Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize