I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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