What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
