I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
