his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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