I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
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