I'm jealous of your bromance
please come you make the beer taste better
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
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It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
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He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.