I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
21 Distraught People Found Out They Had An STD
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
21 Ladies Reveal The Sexiest Thing A Man Can Do In A Public Setting
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.