I will die if light touches me.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.