I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?