so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
