He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
