How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize