I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
