He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
