Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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