I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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