Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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