whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
