That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
