i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
