One girl and one boy is just not enough.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
