I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
