You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
someone owes me an orgasm
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
