I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
