so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
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I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
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I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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