Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
