I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
