dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
