No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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