So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
