my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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