Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
