I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
