i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
