you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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