pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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