if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
