i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
