So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I have already put on my inside pants.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
