i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
